In this journey through and attempted conquest of the sin catalyst that is insecurity, I am discovering a lot of interesting/terrifying/embarrassing/eye-opening truths about myself/girls/boys/life. Primarily, many of the habits and tendencies that I’d written off as simply part of my “crazy head” syndrome, have now been exposed for the nasty products of insecurity that they are. No longer can I justify hiding behind or clinging to them as I am so apt to do. But rather, I must begin the process of learning to hide them and all of myself in Christ. And in doing so I “press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (Philippians 3:12).
Which, don’t get me wrong, is great. I am so thankful for the Lord’s patient and diligent and relentless pursuit of my heart. I am thankful for hardship and trial and suffering because I know the result is a greater intimacy with my Savior. And I am
But there is such a great sense of loss in this journey. It’s a perfect loss. But a loss nonetheless. As the process of chiseling away at this deeply cemented foundation of insecurity begins, things can’t help but be shaken. Cracks form. Pieces fall. Edges crumble. (Have I killed the metaphor yet?)
Insecurities have the tendency to creep their silent, subtle way in, but they certainly won’t go quietly. If Satan’s getting kicked out, he’s going to try his best to make a mess on the way.
Praise the Lord for his mercy.
The point is, the more I realize about the ridiculous places I’ve been seeking my security, the more I see how much of myself still has to go. And quickly.
It’s humbling and sobering and great.
But I have to admit that there’s still this small part of me that’s kicking and screaming and trying desperately to cling to the insecurity. This part of me likes making excuses for my selfishness and jealousy and anger. This part of me needs so badly to control things. This part of me doesn’t trust that He controls them better. This part of me would rather blame my family or my exboyfriend for my faults. This part of me is stupid. And once earned me the title “bitter bailey.” But that’s another story for another day.
I know that’s a small part of me. And I know that the Lord will continue to be patient and diligent and relentless in his pursuit of that part of my heart as well.
But I just needed to be honest about that. It feels a little fake to only say how great this journey is.
And I’m not one for fake.
So there you go.