Today has been beautiful in the hardest kind of way.
One of my very favorite friends and I drove through Starbucks, bought new books, and then sat at the airport with the windows down and read silently to ourselves.
The sun was hot on my legs as I hung them out the window but the breeze was cool and I needed a little extra color anyway.
The book is hardback. And, when you take off the lame plastic covering, a plain, pale blue with a ribbed-like texture.
It smells like a new book too. Which smells like somewhere familiar and comfortable and new and distant all at the same time.
And the text is the perfect size. Not so small that I feel like I’m aging with each paragraph, but not so big that I feel like I’m reading a children’s book. Just right.
And it is a wonderful, well-written, insightful book…
…that I think I now hate.
It’s Beth Moore’s new book on insecurity.
Which I will admit is a hard book to buy. As my wonderfully wise and loving and fabulous friend Katherine would say, I am insecure in my need to read about insecurity.
I will also admit, that I can’t help but feel almost pridefully embarrassed to admit that I’m reading a Beth Moore book. Don’t get me wrong, I think she is wise and well-spoken and gifted and fabulous at what she does. I believe whole heartedly that the Lord has called her to women’s ministry and continues to use her to speak truth to women in a thousand different ways. But theres this little tiny part of me (probably the same part that convinced me to dye my hair black in high school) that feels this deep desire to rebel against the mainstream, specifically against “Christian-y stuff” like reading the latest and greatest of Beth Moore. It’s also the part of me that doesn’t want to buy Toms shoes even though I think the point behind the company is wonderful.
I suppose thats because I don’t want to be seen as such a follower.
I suppose this is a very insecure part of who I am.
I suppose thats why I bought this book…
The point is that on this very beautiful day while I slowly drank my double shot on ice and soaked in some serious Vitamin D and felt the breeze sweep through the car and occasionally glanced up to see planes land and take off…I realized that in almost every single area of my life there are very intense and very scary insecurities that I have been ignoring and covering up for a very long time.
I’ll be honest, the Holy Spirit has been trying to tell me this for quite some time now. But the thing about the Holy Spirit is that even though He’s stronger and wiser and far more distinct than any other voice we hear, He’ll quiet down if you tell him to shut up enough times. And thats exactly what I’ve been telling Him to do.
But this weekend, He spoke up again. And last night, He spoke through the sermon at leadership. And this morning He spoke through the scripture we’re using for campaigners tonight.
And then I bought this book. And I now I feel like He’s yelling.
So I think I’m going to stop ignoring Him now.
But that’s paralyzingly terrifying, because the more I listen, the more I am realizing that there are very, very broken parts of me in very, very hidden places. And I’m not sure how much I really want to go there.
But I will because “although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole.”
So I may write about all this along the way, or I may not. But this is where my heart will be for a while.
…Just thought I’d share.